im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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