how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My bed smells like the plague
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