yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
