the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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