So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
