can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
