Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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