yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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