my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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