so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
