and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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