I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Found the puke drawer
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
