I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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