I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
