I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
