Little spoons don't ask big questions
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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