Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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