I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
