My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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