Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
