I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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