apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
