my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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