...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
