she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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