so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
