I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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