I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
