Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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