Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
