I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
