No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
