her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
