trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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