The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
