I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
