He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
