You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
