If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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