captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
