I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
false alarm, still single
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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