New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
