Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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