Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
