Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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