The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
