just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
