he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
