I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
