it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
