Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
