....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
