I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The adults are the big ones right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
