Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
