You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Your mouth is God's brothel.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
